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Wybsu
Joined: 17 May 2010
Posts: 385
Fri May 28, 2010 6:27 pm |
 Post subject: My Cello-story |
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So.. there's this story that's been swirling around in my for far too long, and I just can't seem to finish it! :/
Since I'm lurking this forum too much anyway I thought it would be nice to share it with you guys, and hopefully this will motivate me to continue it XD;;
Please do leave your comments/critiques/suggestions in this thread! I'll be posting the story I have so far in tiny little chapters, RP-sized for your reading pleasure! <3 I'll be marking the story dark-red, so feel free to just leave a reply under it~
(I love getting inspired, so if you have any ideas you want to share, feel free to PM me~ I will love you forever for it!)
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Let us meet in our dreams...
Last edited by Wybsu on Fri May 28, 2010 6:33 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Wybsu
Joined: 17 May 2010
Posts: 385
Fri May 28, 2010 6:32 pm |
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First, a longer introduction chapter~
Cello
- Chapter 1 -
Do you know those fairy tales in which a newly born gets cursed by an uninvited witch or an awful stepmother? It just so happened that Anthony’s birth didn’t involve either situation. Although they were living in the time in which witches dwelled the streets, they had never begrudged one. His parents were happily married, so there were no evil-spouting stepmothers around either. No black cats, no Friday the 13th, no ladders and certainly no broken mirrors. Maybe it was the position of the stars or the stance of the moon, either way sómething was present that night that would lay the most dreadful curse upon this unfortunate, ravenhaired boy.
Anthony, as this boy was named after his late-grand-grand-grandfather Anthonius, was born into the wealthy, musical family of the Wellshire. They lived in a small village that lay close to the waters and was an important point in the English trading route between London and European countries.
It being the age of robbers and murderers lurking in every bush, the merchants were happy to find a place to rest in their peaceful town. From there on they often made way for the big city by horse, or on their big ships with shining white sails.
But their family had nothing to do with all that. They were the wealthy Wellshire family. Proud. Talented. Rich. They didn’t mingle with the ‘people’, and they certainly didn’t want their children to be tainted by those savages. So, it turned out that Anthony grew up in a large family that existed of his successful parents, two gorgeous elder sisters, his aunts and their husbands, a group of talented nieces and at the head of this whole charade was his grandfather, Allessandro Wellshire. His grandfather was a very strict man, and as the head of the family his word was law. Only the very talented members of the family were allowed in his big mansion.
It so happened that the people that emerged from the family roots of this man were gifted. Blessed even, as some of the town folks said. It was as if God had caressed the strings of their hearts, ears and fingers. All of the family members possessed a great talent to play music. Be it strings or drums or flutes. They each were able to distill heavenly sounds from whatever instrument they lay their delicate hands on.
But with a gift also came a curse. Allessandro Wellshire had lost his wife after giving birth to four beautiful daughters. And despite the fact that they all got married, none of them had been able to grant him a son. Not wanting his golden roots to end, Allessandro had prayed and prayed, consulted doctors, obstetricians, and in secrecy contacted a wise witch to fulfill his wish. This witch had warned him however; fulfilling one’s wish would give rise to someone else’s curse. That is how the balance of life is after all. But in his blind desire for an heir Allessandro begged the witch to help him.
On that cursed night he was indeed granted with a son, the one who would keep their bloodline flowing. Crying of joy and thanking the heavens for this gift Allessandro ran out of the big family house to tell the witch the good news. But the witch’s words tore his heart like a lightning bolt. No one knows exactly what the witch had told him, but short after their meeting he had her arrested and burned on the pyre. ‘How dare she say such despicable words about his grandson?! The nerve! Burn she will! Burn for her evil witchcraft!’
After that incident his grandfather had given Anthony the last look that he would ever grant the boy with. He looked deep into those blue pools of childhood innocence, and he knew the witch’s words were true. He felt it in his heart, and the feeling sunk into his shoes. He retreated to his own quarters, and Anthony hardly ever saw him after that. Only at special occasions.
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FxMisc
Joined: 23 Jun 2010
Posts: 18
Sat Jul 17, 2010 9:00 am |
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| Worded better than my story. IMO. I'd love to read more. :3 |
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Wybsu
Joined: 17 May 2010
Posts: 385
Tue Jul 20, 2010 5:32 pm |
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Whoops! I forgot to reply!! Sorryyyyyy!!
Thank you very much for your comment~ I was wondering if anyone had read it heh ^^; Thanks!!
Here's some more~ it's a long piece afterall haha
Let me know what you guys think~ I'd love to get some feedback about my writing style! <3
So here he was, Anthony Wellshire, fourteen and a half-year old, standing in front of the mirror getting ready for a new day. He washed his pale face in the cool water, combed his raven colored hair with a silver brush and fixed his necktie. He slapped himself in the face with both hands in order to wake himself up and give himself some confidence through his reflection. He had seen it, even before his father had announced it; today Mr. Meyer was coming to visit again. He had seen him that morning as the tall man stepped out of his carriage, high hat fast on his head and a short moustache gracing his handsome face. He had watched as the man below retrieved a large package from the back of the carriage and with some difficulty carried it towards the house.
His father called for him from down the grand stairs and it sent a small wave of adrenaline through his veins, making his heart skip a beat. Mr. Meyer had brought him a new instrument today. Casting one last look in the mirror, Anthony gathered all his courage and headed out of his room, slowly making his way down the grand staircase. His hand never left the smooth, wooden banisters of the stairs as he was afraid that his hands would shake too much with both excitement and fright.
His sisters and nieces had heard the call and were eagerly waiting atop of the stairs, following him with they gleamy eyes. He was also sure the somewhere in the house his grandfather was watching his every move. Anthony was very important to the family. He was indeed the one that would inherit the family fortune and he was their insurance that their praised family name would not go to waste in the future. And he would make all of these wishes come true if he could, if not for a tiny, insignificant detail;
He could not play an instrument.
It wasn’t that he didn’t want to, nor that he plainly wasn’t talented. No, the reason for his lacking ability to play an instrument was that somehow –if this is even biologically possible- when his very existence came in contact with an instrument, it ultimately led to destruction.
So, today was the same as it had been for years. The female population of the house held their breath as he lowered himself into a chair and Mr. Meyer revealed his present. He had brought an instrument called a tuba with him today. Anthony glanced over the instrument with a wary look in his eyes. The golden metal of the broad tube giving him a distorted reflection. Taking the instrument from Mr. Meyer it already let out a low howl of distress, and his father and the merchant both took a step back as Anthony placed his fingers on the golden knobs and lifted the mouthpiece to his lips. For a moment everything was quiet. Taking a deep breath, he blew life into the instrument with all his might. As a counteraction the golden metal protested loudly and squashed itself together in agony. The golden knobs shot off the instrument in all directions and the nieces that were lurking up the stairs hid away in fright. The ravenhaired boy quickly managed to retrieve his hands away from the violently shaking instrument before it completely crushed itself together and the pressure that came into existence made it explode into a millions pieces.
Silence befell the household once again, and somewhere in the house his grandfather sighed deeply. It had been like this since the boy was only four years old.
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Estoc
Joined: 20 May 2010
Posts: 109
Location: Canada
Sat Aug 07, 2010 4:31 am |
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The first thing I'm obliged to say is that I love the originality so far. I love how your character is introduced (except for the age bit) and how it immediately leaps into his 'problem'. Which, BTW, I find quite comical and fucking fantastic. Just FYI. <3
There are a few little things I noticed about your style that were minorly bothersome - not so much that I was distracted, or didn't want to continue reading, just minor things that made my brain itch until I took a second to clear them up or ignore them. ><;
The first is the introduction of the character. Like I said, it's good and I love it except for the addition of your characters age. It's not needed to put that right at the beginning - in fact, it's better if you don't. Use your characterization of your character to speak to his general age (for example, a 30year old woman speaks and acts differently than a 20year old male, etc.). And If it's still necessary to put the exact age to a 'T', sneak it in surreptitiously instead of essentially putting it in big bold letters at the beginning and disrupting the flow. Maybe something like "Never in all his fourteen and a half years of life had he been able to..." y'know?
That was the biggest flaw, for me. The rest of it reads quite well and your style isn't bad at all. I rather like it; it's readable and I'm not cringing because you're using cliche ideas or techniques to characterize Anthony. c:
I'd give you more feedback, but my insomnia's dissipating and I'm finally feeling sleepy. If you'd like some more, lemme know, I'll write up a few more thoughts/concrits/etc. ASAP for you. c:
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Wybsu
Joined: 17 May 2010
Posts: 385
Mon Aug 09, 2010 11:20 am |
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Ah, thank you very much for your feedback! *does little happy dance*
Hope you had a good sleep afterwards!
I still have to re-read everything, but I'll pay more attention to the 'age' part, thanks! ^^; also I realize I'm not completely original, but... I just need some kind of background to build the story on.. it'll get better!! Promise!
Thanks again! <333
*needs to start working on it again*
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